沸腾文学

第47部分（第1页）

fe　had　he　confronted　patients　who　refused　to　acknowledge　what　was　happening　in　their　lives？　Even　trivial　＇＇317＇＇　examples…a　man；　another　professor　at　the　university；　who　was　terrified　of　elevators　but　who　steadfastly　insisted　he　always　took　the　stairs　because　it　was　good　exercise。　The　man　would　climb　fifteen…story　buildings；　he　would　decline　appointments　in　taller　buildings；　he　arranged　his　entire　life　to　acmodate　a　problem　he　would　not　admit　he　had。　The　problem　remained　concealed　from　him　until　he　finally　had　a　heart　attack。　Or　the　woman　who　was　exhausted　from　years　of　caring　for　her　disturbed　daughter；　she　gave　her　daughter　a　bottle　of　sleeping　pills　because　she　said　the　girl　needed　a　rest；　the　girl　mitted　suicide。　Or　the　novice　sailor　who　cheerfully　packed　his　family　off　on　a　sailing　excursion　to　Catalina　in　a　gale；　nearly　killing　them　all。

Dozens　of　examples　came　to　mind。　It　was　a　psychological　truism；　this　blindness　about　self。　Did　he　imagine　that　he　was　immune？　Three　years　ago；　there　had　been　a　minor　scandal　when　one　of　the　assistant　professors　in　the　Psychology　Department　had　mitted　suicide；　sticking　a　gun　in　his　mouth　over　the　Labor　Day　weekend。　There　had　been　headlines　for　that　one：　〃PSYCH　PROF　KILLS　SELF；　Colleagues　Express　Surprise；　Say　Deceased　Was　Always　Happy。　〃

The　dean　of　the　faculty；　embarrassed　in　his　fund…raising；　had　berated　Norman　about　that　incident；　but　the　difficult　truth　was　that　psychology　had　severe　limitations。　Even　with　professional　knowledge　and　the　best　of　intentions；　there　remained　an　enormous　amount　you　never　knew　about　your　closest　friends；　your　colleagues；　your　wives　and　husbands　and　children。

And　your　ignorance　about　yourself　was　even　greater　than　that。　Self…awareness　was　the　most　difficult　of　all。　Few　people　attained　it。　Or　perhaps　nobody　attained　it。

〃Norman；　are　you　there？〃

〃Yes；　Beth。〃

〃I　think　you　are　a　good　person；　Norman。〃

He　said　nothing。　He　just　watched　her　on　the　monitor。

〃I　think　you　have　integrity；　and　that　you　believe　in　telling　the　truth。　This　is　a　difficult　moment　for　you；　to　face　the　reality　about　yourself。　I　know　your　mind　is　struggling　now　to　find　excuses；　to　blame　someone　else。　But　I　think　you　can　＇＇318＇＇　do　it；　Norman。　Harry　couldnt　do　it；　but　you　can。　I　think　you　can　admit　the　hard　truth…that　so　long　as　you　remain　conscious；　the　expedition　is　menaced。〃

He　felt　the　strength　of　her　conviction；　heard　the　quiet　force　of　her　voice。　As　Beth　spoke；　it　felt　almost　as　if　her　ideas　were　clothing　being　draped　over　his　body。　He　began　to　see　things　her　way。　She　was　so　calm；　she　must　be　right。　Her　ideas　had　such　power。　Her　thoughts　had　such　power。　。。。

〃Beth；　have　you　been　in　the　sphere？〃

〃No；　Norman。　Thats　your　mind；　trying　to　evade　the　point　again。　I　havent　been　in　the　sphere。　You　have。〃

He　honestly　couldnt　remember　going　into　the　sphere。　He　had　no　recollection　at　all。　And　when　Harry　had　been　in　the　sphere；　he　remembered　afterward。　Why　would　Norman　forget？　Why　would　he　block　it？

〃Youre　a　psychologist；　Norman；〃　she　was　saying。　〃You；　of　all　people；　do　not　want　to　admit　you　have　a　shadow　side。　You　have　a　professional　stake　in　believing　in　your　own　mental　health。　Of　course　you　will　deny　it。〃

He　didnt　think　so。　But　how　to　resolve　it？　How　to　determine　if　she　was　right　or　not？　His　mind　wasnt　working　well。　His　cut　knee　throbbed　painfully。　At　least　there　was　no　doubt　about　that…his　injured　knee　was　real。

Reality　testing。

That　was　how　to　resolve　it；　he　thought。　Reality　testing。　What　was　the　objective　evidence　that　Norman　had　gone　to　the　sphere？　They　had　made　tapes　of　everything　that　occurred　in　the　habitat。　If　Norman　had　gone　to　the　sphere　many　hours　ago；　somewhere　there　was　a　tape　showing　him　in　the　airlock；　alone；　getting　dressed；　slipping　away。　Beth　should　be　able　to　show　him　that　tape。　Where　was　that　tape？

In　the　submarine；　of　course。

It　would　long　ago　have　been　taken　to　the　submarine。　Norman　himself　might　have　taken　it；　when　he　made　his　excursion　to　the　sub。

No　objective　evidence。

〃Norman；　give　up。　Please。　For　all　our　sakes。〃

Perhaps　she　was　right；　he　thought。　She　was　so　sure　of　herself。　If　he　was　evading　the　truth；　if　he　was　putting　the　＇＇319＇＇　expedition　in　jeopardy；　then　he　had　to　give　himself　up　and　let　her　put　him　under。　Could　he　trust　her　to　do　that？　He　would　have　to。　There　wasnt　any　choice。

It　must　be　me；　he　thought。　It　must　be。　The　thought　was　so　horrible　to　him…that　in　itself　was　suspicious。　He　was　resisting　it　so　violently…not　a　good　sign；　he　thought。　Too　much　resistance。

〃Norman？〃

〃Okay；　Beth。〃

〃Will　you　do　it？〃

〃Dont　push。　Give　me　a　minute；　will　you？〃